First and foremost I want to emphasize that the New Year isn’t the only time you should be focusing on resolutions whether they are dating oriented or not. If there’s something that you are looking to change within yourself, you can and should do it as soon as you realize it’s something you want to change, not just because the time of year tells us it makes sense.
With that said, why not get in the holiday spirit? I’m a huge sucker for the holidays!
This past week, reflecting back on my cuffing attempts and fails over (basically a dating lifetime), I realized there are three patterns I keep repeating that are probably killing my game. Admitting these patterns consciously I decided to make a problems and solutions list.
* If you’re facing similar struggles I suggest you do the same. Organized lists always help get our mess of a brain in check, allowing us to solve inner mangled messes more easily.
1. Over-emphasizing similarities
When there’s someone I’m interested in it’s hard to focus on much else, especially with social media at our disposal and constantly right in front of our faces. It also makes it too easy to know a person’s interests before actually getting to know them.
Like a lot of people our age, I feed into my curiosities and let them get the best of me. It’s only natural to skim their Instagram account, right?! Still, I’m thinking I should take the power of Instagram more responsibly. Being able to see into someone else’s life… It’s kind of like having a superpower… Minus the fact that everyone else has the same superpower too. Oh well!
Like your typical basic bitch, when I see I have something in common with someone I like, I GEEK. HARD. It then becomes some sort of twisted life mission to make sure that that person knows we have those things in common. Meanwhile, I haven’t even received a memo from them or from anyone else as to if they might be interested in me or not. It’s kind of like hanging yourself on a ledge. And also possibly makes me look a little bit… Okay, a lot a bit psychotic.
Be on the phone less, live in the present more. This year I resolve to put myself first and do the things that make me happy, whether a guy is by my side or not. Finding true inner happiness means you don’t need anyone else to make you happy. Even a SO. In fact, this kind of approach is what attracts people towards you (or so I’ve heard). But think about it, it does make sense. You’ll be more approachable if you’re smiling more because you are genuinely happy and don’t have a phone in your hand to distract you from that cute guy in front of you in the coffee line. You’ll also seem like the most confident person in the room realizing you don’t need a phone to avoid what’s around you. #REALTALK.
2. Pursuing too early and too quickly
This goes hand in hand with the first resolution I’m looking to make.
Still waiting for their confession of love (oh my god I hope men never read this – but just kidding, I really want you to!) I go right to the perusal phase, skipping probably like a thousand steps in between, including basic flirting.
Analyzing my lightening speed need to reach out, it’s probably because I hate that feeling of overwhelming nausea that ensues when waiting to find out if you’re on the same page as someone else. Why not assume that they’re already there? Welp… You know what they say about assuming.
Make this the year of zen. Breathe in the good shit exhale the bullshit (of putting pressure on yourself to find a boyfriend) and actually enjoy getting to know someone you may or may not actually be interested in. You won’t even begin to understand your true feelings about a person until you get to know them more. Helloooo. Seems obvious. And remember the key is to get to know this person IN PERSON. Not via your social media outlets and the cell. That puts you in the same category as all of the other single Millennials chasing your man. If you feel like you’re starting to lose it try to keep in mind that like anything in life, good things take time! And effort! Even though it’s the most frustrating thing in the world.
3. Scaring the prey
My last resolution is the perfect explanation for setting the first two in motion. Both actions, over emphasizing similarities and pursuing too early/quickly, are LOUD actions. What do I mean by that? Take this Boy Meets World reference for example:
Eric has been working at his father’s new adventure/outdoor store. His coworker Lani is having a hard time meeting a guy because she always scares off and intimidates men. Sound familiar? Eric, being the charming fellow that he is, explains to Lani why her technique isn’t working. He relates flirting and dating to hunting prey. When you are hunting the hunter dresses in camouflage and in pursuing, in this case the bunny, knows that he/she must step quietly in the direction of the target. Anything overly aggressive, loud motions or movements, will scare the bunny off. Instead, the art of the hunt is to approach harmlessly.
The same goes for men and women. In this case, the women are the hunters and the men are the bunnies (LOL – sorry guys!). I know as women we want men to pursue us first, but if we left that to fate, where would we be now? Oh yeah, exactly where we already are, single AF. Let’s try something new for a change. You never know what will happen.
Play the role of the harmless hunter. Getting too excited, loud behavior, anything seemingly out of the ordinary will scare off the prey (men). I’m going to try more subtle techniques this year and see where those actions get me because my prior actions clearly haven’t worked. For those of you who don’t like playing games, much like myself, think of it as more of slightly tweaking an action. Will I change my outgoing personality altogether? No! Just tweaking in this case. Until they get to know me (or you) better.
I figure if I can take control of these patterns by the time I’m 30 I’ll be okay. Dear Lord, help us all!
Get Smart. Read Bold.
- When you realize there’s something you want to change about yourself you should do it as soon as you make the realization
- Don’t overemphasize similarities, ESPECIALLY if you find them out through social media
- Be on the phone less, live in the present more.
- Don’t pursue too quickly
- Exhale the bullshit breathe in the good shit
- Don’t scare the prey! Remember landing someone you’re interested in is like hunting a nervous animal… You don’t want them running for the hills!
Bold. Boss. Beautiful.