You Kiss Your Mother with that Mouth?!

Two questions to ask yourself when dating:

  1. What are your deal breakers?
  2. What do you do when someone you’ve been talking to crosses the line?

As I’ve been focusing more on my career and have less time to dedicate to myself, dating apps seem like a viable option to meet new people. Apps are quickly becoming a societal norm, especially in the dating arena. Why? Maybe users feel more confident behind the virtual keys on our iPhones, maybe some of us are lazy… who knows… there are plenty of options.

What I find most difficult is that we’re the first group of people trying to tunnel forward with social experiments like Bumble, Tinder, and the alike, and there aren’t any concrete guidelines to pave the way.

This makes our personal vetting processes crucial because there’s no previous audience to guide us in this world of digital interactions (and introductions).

Never the less, even though I feel like an awkward, stumbling, new born baby fawn, I put my best hoof forward in a positive effort to find what I’m looking for in a partner.

Unfortunately, if you aren’t careful with that vetting process, you can end up with the exact opposite.

Enter date #362.

I met him on Bumble, and we admittedly didn’t hit it off right away. We had very different backgrounds, but we were curious enough about each other to continue our conversations. As we talked, it looked like maybe we did have a lot of the same morals after all. By the time he asked me out on a date, I thought my first impression of him turned out to be wrong.

But this is now the second (if not third, fourth, and fifth time) I’ve been through this lesson. Don’t worry about me guys; I think I’ve finally learned it this time lol. When it comes to dating, be careful who you give the benefit of the doubt to.

Initially, he was a big preacher of “I’m so different from any guy you’ll meet.” I’m a gentleman. I’m more mature. Blah, blah, blah. Yeah sure… Put your money where your mouth is. (Everyone I was with last night said if a guy says that there’s your first clue.) Yet, I switched off my gut instinct and made up my mind to give him a shot. I wanted to believe everything he was saying was true because they’re all qualities I’m genuinely looking for.

Within the first handful of conversations, he was making sure that I wouldn’t pay for the meal. Looking back, he was baiting me with romantic gestures, but in this case, you’ll see the age old proof that actions really do speak louder than words.

After the first date, I was actively recognizing red flags that I had seen in past guys I’ve dated. My deal breakers included:

  1. Our sense of humors didn’t match. To me laughter is one of the most important parts of any relationship and if we didn’t see eye to eye on something so laid back, fun, and flirtatious, how would we ever see eye to eye on bigger issues?
  2. When I asked him if he was close with his family, he responded, “I don’t understand that question.” What the fuck… lol.
  3. I called him out on the multiple insensitive things he said. Once I get it, but 4-5 times… What a jerk!
  4. Discussions of finance too early. Truth be told, not every woman is interested in money. But if you’re ridiculously focused on your pocket than you don’t deserve the kind of girl that doesn’t fucking care about it. She’s too good for you bro.
  5. With everything in mind, it felt like he was hiding some internal anger issues–I’m not your therapist. And I’m not trying to change any man. That only leads to heartache. No thank you.

With about five red flags after one date, I confirmed my first impression… He had to go.

Someone, please call me out if my logic is wrong here, but I wanted to let him know how I felt as soon as I recognized it wasn’t going to work. Even though we had talked about meeting up the following Saturday, I ended it on Tuesday.

My thought process–instead of letting him think that I was interested for an entire week, and having to fake that I wanted to be all over him for a day, (ew gross), it made more sense for both of us to move on now instead of later.

Maybe that’s where I went wrong. I told him the truth about why I was ending things instead of some lame bullshit girly excuse like “it’s not you, it’s me.”

I think all he really wanted to hear was that it was me.

His response to my kid-glove honesty (if you know me you know I go out of my way to be cordial even if someone is a total monster!!):



Whoaa buddy, I was expecting a bad reaction, but I wasn’t expecting World War III.

It’s women like me why guys are so scummy? For trying to be honest? Those were just his words; I can’t reflect that on myself.

I’m a complete disappointment–I’ll take that as a compliment. You were already that invested in me to be disappointed in me? Reality check, you’re disappointed that smart, respectable women aren’t interested in your fake act. Why don’t you try being the man you preach you are. That will impress women ten folds beyond the really good impression you do of a disrespectful asshole.

That brings me back to deal breaker #4. Let me just put this out there for any guy who has ever been upset about spending money on a date that didn’t work out–IT’S YOUR CHOICE TO SPEND THAT MONEY. That’s not on us! I would rather go on a picnic with a gentleman than an expensive dinner with an ignorant idiot any day of the week, just point me in the direction of his picnic blanket.

I can hold my head high knowing that I’m discomforted by the thought of even accepting a drink from a guy if I know I’m not interested. So anyone who has ever accused me of using you for your money can FUCK OFF. Why don’t you stop using your money to try and get girls and try on a good personality for size? It’s as simple as that. Really.

As it turns out, the “different,” “mature,” “gentleman” I was supposed to meet was actually one of the worst interactions I’ve ever had. Congratulations, I will always fondly remember you… as an asshole. No sleep lost here.

Don’t ever talk to me again–easiest thing I’ve ever done in my life. Block, delete. Block, delete. Block, delete.

All of the true GENTLEMAN in my life told me I should have reported him on the dating app, but I figured our dysfunctional situation didn’t have to do with the app itself, just two people who clearly didn’t get along.

It took me a lot to keep myself from sending a nasty response back. Like “those texts are THE EXACT REASON I don’t want to see you again.” Or, “since you’re so concerned about money I will literally pay you if you promise to never disrespect a woman the way you just disrespected me.” Maybe the quick retort, “you kiss your mother with that mouth?!”

But like they say, when they go low, you stay high.

The biggest laugh–as soon as he told me to never talk to him again I thought to myself, “your wish is my command.” This time when I told myself I wasn’t going to talk to a guy anymore I was going to stick to it.

One week later… I receive a friend request from him on Instagram. (Remind me to not respond to guys more often).


Bold. Boss. Beautiful. 


Failures of “Liquid Courage” (The Junior Varsity Drunk Text)

I thought that I had kicked the habit of drunk texting back in my freshman year of college.

My not-so-boyfriend, but guy I was seeing was seeing at the time, was back in our hometown while I was supposed to be exploring the potentials of college life. (My version of that was moping about this high school boy who clearly wasn’t worth my time in the long run. Fuck… I guess I learned some important life lessons from that one?)

Drinking beer in our guy friend’s dorm was doomed to put testosterone on the mind. I took out my not-so-smart cell phone and started typing. He hadn’t responded to another text from earlier in the day. Being down on myself, I wrote what I intended to be an innocent text,

 “Do you like good girls or bad girls? You like bad girls don’t you?”

Reading it the way I had intended, the only embarrassment I felt was that I was legitimately a “good girl” and didn’t want to waste my time on a bad guy. Re-reading the text that night, and now – horrified with a palm up to my face, peeking through my fingers – it sounds like I had a different intention. I might as well have whipped out a red flag saying, “ONLY LOOKING FOR BAD BOYS.” Or, “HI, I’M A SLUT!”

After many a communication courses in college, and head shaking experience after head shaking experience, I can flat out tell you that most communication via cell phones = NO BUENO! Especially when it comes to dating. It’s hard enough to do when you’re sober, let alone Lindsay Lohan drunk. What the sender reads one way can be (and many times is) interpreted in an entirely different manner than the receiver.


Luckily, or not-so-luckily, he never answered my text. But I was the one left mortified for two reasons. 1. I sounded like a hooker. 2. He never even answered to my hooker-like attempt!

Looking back, what a loser! Not responding to a hooker-ish text by one of the girls you were seeing?! What’s wrong with that image? … … But in all honesty, I was lucky that it didn’t turn into a mess bigger than that. In the long run, he was probably doing me a favor since he ditched out on me about two weeks later. #GHOSTED.

But lesson learned hunnies! It took one nauseating incident to realize that drunk texting was not for me. And I stood by that all throughout college and beyond. I’m currently six years out and held onto the promise that I would never initiate a drunk texting convo. Exceptions will be made for those who text you and are already drunk – looking for some love in a drunk text back, friends, or anyone who you aren’t currently dating or trying to date.

One promise to myself – no drunk texting… That’s easy. But add today’s social media trends in there and it’s a whole different ball game. 1000 new ways for me to embarrass myself! Okay, not if you use them properly… Or have enough self-love that you don’t care about the outcome either way, but still, it’s like social etiquette or something. Besides, one of the worst things you can do with someone you’re trying to tie down is make them feel awkward or uncomfortable. Take it from the queen of making everyone feel awkward and uncomfortable.


Legit – today’s social media is the new drunk text. And I thought I had been so wise as to have mastered this. Let me just say, contact lists and text messaging shouldn’t be the only thing put on block during this vulnerable state. And the key here is VULNERABLE. But we’ll circle back to that.

There are two sides to my brain… Okay, there’s multiple sides to my brain, but right now I’m breaking it down into varsity and junior varsity (experienced and naive).

Being 27 and single, I’ve had tons of experience fucking up, royally fucking up, playing it cool, and everything in between. In my mind, when I first start initiating some kind of interaction with a guy to let him know I might be interested, it would be ideal to pull from my playing it cool to somewhere in between experience. But for some terrifying reason, my JV mind takes over. DO NOT FOLLOW YOUR OWN JV MIND.

As recent as a couple of weekends ago I reached out to a guy who had been completely off my radar, but for whatever reason, he was suddenly on it. (Maybe because his friend was finally off of it). I sent him a message. If you have to send someone a message instead of an iMessage aka text because you don’t have their phone number WARNING, RED BUTTON, HAZZARD, ERROR, STOP. DON’T DO IT! In my JV mind I’m like a little puppy – yeah, yeah this will put me on his radar! Yes, little puppy, ignorant of the world around you – it will put you on his radar, you’re right – AS A COMPLETE AND TOTAL SPAZ.  And it works both ways, men to women, Instagram to Facebook. You don’t want to ask the girl on the couch over from me at the Super Bowl party what her latest social media stalker had to say. And you definitely don’t want to be the one referred to as a stalker on any dating anything.


So how did my JV message go? Just as I thought it would from my varsity experience –- no response. Just like my ex at the beginning of this post.

What I discovered: my need to reach out in a moment of vulnerability (and you’re feeling this way much stronger because you’re drinking) is for reassurance. And as you can tell, the drunk message does not lead to reassurance. It only leads to more insecurity and upset feelings. And those feelings that you keep avoiding will be brought to the next new guy and next drunk message until you face them. It becomes one whole big mess of negativity. You’ll be so lucky as to if the receiver doesn’t respond because starting something on those terms is just that: messy, negative, and choosing to try to start something off on a sour down note.

Instead, get over your old ghosts first by facing them head on.

I apologize to all of the victims from my drunk messaging and just know, I’m working on turning over that idiotic leaf… But, in my defense, you should be happy a smart/hot girl is hitting on you in the first place! PUH-LEASE.

Get Smart. Read Bold.

  1. Don’t waste time on someone who isn’t worth yours
  2. Stay away from any sort of iMessage, text message, social media message when you’re Lindsay Lohan drunk
  3. You want a potential love-interest to see you in a positive light, not a negative one
  4. Drunk messaging makes you vulnerable
  6. If you have to send a social media message instead of a text, don’t message at all!
  7. You don’t want to be known as a social media stalker
  8. There is such a thing as social media etiquette (apparently), and you don’t want to make people feel awkward or uncomfortable
  9. Get over your old ghosts FIRST by facing them head on
  10. Taking all of the above into consideration, flirt on!

Bold. Boss. Beautiful.