Two questions to ask yourself when dating:
- What are your deal breakers?
- What do you do when someone you’ve been talking to crosses the line?
As I’ve been focusing more on my career and have less time to dedicate to myself, dating apps seem like a viable option to meet new people. Apps are quickly becoming a societal norm, especially in the dating arena. Why? Maybe users feel more confident behind the virtual keys on our iPhones, maybe some of us are lazy… who knows… there are plenty of options.
What I find most difficult is that we’re the first group of people trying to tunnel forward with social experiments like Bumble, Tinder, and the alike, and there aren’t any concrete guidelines to pave the way.
This makes our personal vetting processes crucial because there’s no previous audience to guide us in this world of digital interactions (and introductions).
Never the less, even though I feel like an awkward, stumbling, new born baby fawn, I put my best hoof forward in a positive effort to find what I’m looking for in a partner.
Unfortunately, if you aren’t careful with that vetting process, you can end up with the exact opposite.
Enter date #362.
I met him on Bumble, and we admittedly didn’t hit it off right away. We had very different backgrounds, but we were curious enough about each other to continue our conversations. As we talked, it looked like maybe we did have a lot of the same morals after all. By the time he asked me out on a date, I thought my first impression of him turned out to be wrong.
But this is now the second (if not third, fourth, and fifth time) I’ve been through this lesson. Don’t worry about me guys; I think I’ve finally learned it this time lol. When it comes to dating, be careful who you give the benefit of the doubt to.
Initially, he was a big preacher of “I’m so different from any guy you’ll meet.” I’m a gentleman. I’m more mature. Blah, blah, blah. Yeah sure… Put your money where your mouth is. (Everyone I was with last night said if a guy says that there’s your first clue.) Yet, I switched off my gut instinct and made up my mind to give him a shot. I wanted to believe everything he was saying was true because they’re all qualities I’m genuinely looking for.
Within the first handful of conversations, he was making sure that I wouldn’t pay for the meal. Looking back, he was baiting me with romantic gestures, but in this case, you’ll see the age old proof that actions really do speak louder than words.
After the first date, I was actively recognizing red flags that I had seen in past guys I’ve dated. My deal breakers included:
- Our sense of humors didn’t match. To me laughter is one of the most important parts of any relationship and if we didn’t see eye to eye on something so laid back, fun, and flirtatious, how would we ever see eye to eye on bigger issues?
- When I asked him if he was close with his family, he responded, “I don’t understand that question.” What the fuck… lol.
- I called him out on the multiple insensitive things he said. Once I get it, but 4-5 times… What a jerk!
- Discussions of finance too early. Truth be told, not every woman is interested in money. But if you’re ridiculously focused on your pocket than you don’t deserve the kind of girl that doesn’t fucking care about it. She’s too good for you bro.
- With everything in mind, it felt like he was hiding some internal anger issues–I’m not your therapist. And I’m not trying to change any man. That only leads to heartache. No thank you.
With about five red flags after one date, I confirmed my first impression… He had to go.
Someone, please call me out if my logic is wrong here, but I wanted to let him know how I felt as soon as I recognized it wasn’t going to work. Even though we had talked about meeting up the following Saturday, I ended it on Tuesday.
My thought process–instead of letting him think that I was interested for an entire week, and having to fake that I wanted to be all over him for a day, (ew gross), it made more sense for both of us to move on now instead of later.
Maybe that’s where I went wrong. I told him the truth about why I was ending things instead of some lame bullshit girly excuse like “it’s not you, it’s me.”
I think all he really wanted to hear was that it was me.
His response to my kid-glove honesty (if you know me you know I go out of my way to be cordial even if someone is a total monster!!):
Whoaa buddy, I was expecting a bad reaction, but I wasn’t expecting World War III.
It’s women like me why guys are so scummy? For trying to be honest? Those were just his words; I can’t reflect that on myself.
I’m a complete disappointment–I’ll take that as a compliment. You were already that invested in me to be disappointed in me? Reality check, you’re disappointed that smart, respectable women aren’t interested in your fake act. Why don’t you try being the man you preach you are. That will impress women ten folds beyond the really good impression you do of a disrespectful asshole.
That brings me back to deal breaker #4. Let me just put this out there for any guy who has ever been upset about spending money on a date that didn’t work out–IT’S YOUR CHOICE TO SPEND THAT MONEY. That’s not on us! I would rather go on a picnic with a gentleman than an expensive dinner with an ignorant idiot any day of the week, just point me in the direction of his picnic blanket.
I can hold my head high knowing that I’m discomforted by the thought of even accepting a drink from a guy if I know I’m not interested. So anyone who has ever accused me of using you for your money can FUCK OFF. Why don’t you stop using your money to try and get girls and try on a good personality for size? It’s as simple as that. Really.
As it turns out, the “different,” “mature,” “gentleman” I was supposed to meet was actually one of the worst interactions I’ve ever had. Congratulations, I will always fondly remember you… as an asshole. No sleep lost here.
Don’t ever talk to me again–easiest thing I’ve ever done in my life. Block, delete. Block, delete. Block, delete.
All of the true GENTLEMAN in my life told me I should have reported him on the dating app, but I figured our dysfunctional situation didn’t have to do with the app itself, just two people who clearly didn’t get along.
It took me a lot to keep myself from sending a nasty response back. Like “those texts are THE EXACT REASON I don’t want to see you again.” Or, “since you’re so concerned about money I will literally pay you if you promise to never disrespect a woman the way you just disrespected me.” Maybe the quick retort, “you kiss your mother with that mouth?!”
But like they say, when they go low, you stay high.
The biggest laugh–as soon as he told me to never talk to him again I thought to myself, “your wish is my command.” This time when I told myself I wasn’t going to talk to a guy anymore I was going to stick to it.
One week later… I receive a friend request from him on Instagram. (Remind me to not respond to guys more often).
GET FUCKING REAL.
Bold. Boss. Beautiful.